Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Mom Ailments

Perhaps it's a symptom of Momhood. I'm convinced I have some disease that will carry me off before I send Bub out into the world of college and jobs. After all, no one else can raise her just like I can, so it's my nightmare that one of my current illnesses will go viral and take me away to the great Baking Grounds in the sky.


Then my husband will get remarried, and the new mom won't make Bub do her homework or go to sleep by 9 or brush the backs of her front teeth, or the fronts of her back teeth! I just know it!


Here are some of the things I suffer from:


Bubble Wrap Knees - That has to be the explanation for the noises I hear when I stand upright.
Hey, kid. That's my kneecap.


Nose Tumor - Actually, I cured this one. I had a really sensitive nostril for weeks and was convinced that something was really, really wrong. Took care of it with a big blow.


Mad Housewife Syndrome - My propensity for watching The Housewives of New York, of Ocean County, of Beverly Hills can be explained by a psychologist, I'm pretty sure. I can't be picking that stuff to watch just because I WANT to, can I? It's probably all due to brainworms. Yup, brainworms. Get rid of those suckers and I'll watch Nova every night.
I know! I'm not happy about it either!


This last is closely aligned to:


Honey Dipper Syndrome - I'm pretty sure those brainworms are making me play Hidden Object computer games too.


Downwardly Mobile Hair - Why is it all crawling off my head down onto my face? When does this happen, at night? Maybe that's why I wake with...




Dipped in Boiling Oil-itis - There I am, sleeping away quite happily, when I wake up gasping for air and the knowledge that gremlins have turned the heat in the bedroom to 90 degrees. I have to throw all the blankets onto my husband (reason #479 not to remarry - he's used to this by now) and open the window. In the middle of winter. And turn on the fan as well. Scary stuff.


Soppy Sickness - I used to be able to watch melodramas without a box of Kleenex. Now, one Hallmark commercial comes on and I'm a quivering mess.
Don't they know that GEICO Piggy could lose an arm waving pinwheels around?


And there are more, but perhaps you're having a snack as you read this, and I don't want to give you indigestion. So I won't talk about the muffin top, the toe nails ... no, let's not go there.





4 comments:

Johanna Garth said...

I love these!! And I so relate to those fears. Sometimes I think, "if I can just hold out eleven more years...just long enough to get Child #2 off to college"

Lisa said...

I, too, have most of these ailments (and others equally ghastly) even though I don't have kids. So my big worry is not about my being done in by them, but that something will carry my HUSBAND off before he can take care of me while I continue to deteriorate!

Ann Simon said...

And then my kids DID grow up. And, and, and -- they're fine! :)

Carlie Cullen said...

I can relate to some of your ailments, but thankfully my kid has gone through school and university!
I do still worry about something happening to me and having to leave her - she's a gentle soul and her father is such a pig, he would be no comfort whatsoever (divorce CAN be a blessing - Lol).