Weird Workouts

Last summer I confidently climbed into a pair of waterskis and prepared to get towed. It had been fifteen years prior since I had skied, and back then I had popped right up. So I just knew I could do the same again.

Yeahhhhhh - that didn't happen. My aging arms simply could NOT hang on the rope. We tried again and again, and the darn thing slid out of my grasp. No waterskiing for me.

It's at times like these that I realise - I'm getting old. And it stinks. And, furthermore, I refuse to sit back and let it happen.

After that debacle, I began chest and arm press-ups to add muscle that had wasted away from - what, exactly? I thought writing novels gave you biceps? Hm.

This weekend we went snow skiing. I fared better than on the water; but I could feel that my quads were in need of work. I decided this, actually, after my legs gave out halfway down a hill and Momma took what is known as a Yard Sale.

Once I gathered up my skis, helmet, gloves, and poles, and got myself down the hill (a quivery, whimpering mess at that point, ready for comfy shoes and a long beer) I decided that I would add squats to the press-ups daily regimen.

And this gets thrown in with all the rest of the exercises, designed to keep me Hanging Grimly On: Kegels, double chin lifts, face wiggles (I really do wiggle my face daily; it's something to do with the ears) plus Brain Fizzes to keep THAT thing going. 

Age is an avalanche, and as the boulders and rubble crash down on me, I crawl back up the cliff, clinging on with my fingertips. Did I say crawl back up? No, I try not to get eroded too much. 

All this from someone who finds Age beautiful. It's just that if I accept that I can no longer ski, doesn't that sweep me further down the mountain in one fell swoop? Rage, rage against the dying of the light and muscle tone, but I wouldn't say no to a hot cup of tea while I'm doing that rage deal.

So, next year I'll hop back on my snow skis and go for it, hopefully with tighter legs and a smile on my face. Don't look for me on the double black diamonds, though - more likely that I'll be on slopes with "Puff" and "Marshmallow" in the titles.

Lovely Age

After watching Driving Miss Daisy on a date years ago, I turned to the fellow who had brought me to the movies.  "You know," I said, "Jessica Tandy really is a stunning woman."

"What?" He was horrified. "But - she's old!"

Yeah, I broke up with him not long after that. 

I've been watching sucked into the world of Downton Abbey, and I must say that Maggie Smith looks better than ever. Her cheekbones are elegant, and she still exudes the air of old-world elegance.

Here, in no particular order, are some of the woman who, like Ms Smith and Ms Tandy, are truly gorgeous in spite of - nay, BECAUSE of - their age and experience.

1. Lena Horne: Killer smile.

courtesy Lena-Horne.com

2. Dame Helen Mirren: Simply not fair.

courtesy Huffington Post

3. Carmen Dell'Orifice - Making 80 glamorous

courtesy Huffington Post

4. Queen Elizabeth - Not a "beauty" (never was) but carrying her age splendidly and looking better than ever; in fact, she positively glows. Makes me want to wear hats, even though I probably never will.

courtesy royalgov.uk

5. Random lady I don't know: Love the scarf and the hair. She is beautiful.

6. Diane Keaton, wearing wrinkles with flair: SO much better than a facelift!

courtesy sodahead.com

7. Dame Judi Dench. Again, not classically beautiful, but DAYummmm:

8. I could never pull off the sari, but this lady is rocking it. Plus I love the look in her eyes:

Yo, dude who took me to the movies aeons ago - you are wrong. Age isn't something to fear or cut out with a scalpel, it is an accessory to wear with pride.

That Certain Age

Once upon a time, there was a girl who could keep her belly flat and her skin fresh by eating whatever she wanted - mint chocolate chip icecream, cheeseburger, fries, chips - and going out to the clubs til 2 to dance it all off. 

Yeah, that girl doesn't exist anymore. 

She's been replaced by me - a woman of a "certain age" who only has to look at food, apparently, and calories leach into my skin. Sand bags seem to have been sewn onto my thighs and butt at some point. I am itchy, cranky, grumpy, and sleepy - a veritable compendium of the worst of the dwarves. 

As I battle age and the mirror, I'm most annoyed by myself. I LIKE the idea of age. I think wrinkles are marks of experience, and gray hair is lovely, like strands of silver. I just didn't bargain for the fuzzy feeling in my brain that stops my thought processes, nor the gradual slipping away of things that I used to do without thinking.

OK, we can't all be Jamie Lee, but I do love her hair.

Example: water skiing. When my husband taught me to waterski, years ago, I loved it right away. I was able to stand right up on the skis and jet around the lake on my first go. It wasn't pretty, but it did happen. This past summer, I went to try waterskiing again. Holy incompetent arm muscles! That awkward moment when the handle slips from your grip again and again and the boat has to circle back a gabillion times to pick up the old lady in the water...

Here are a few things that I've done to combat all of this:

1. Embraced my wrinkles. I really don't mind them at all. 

2. Started taking iodine supplements, which have erased the fuzzy feeling in my brain and made my husband quite happy. (And, no, I'm not adding more details for that last point.) Do check with your doctor if you start taking any supplements, but mine - I take natural Gaia thyroid support as well as iodine and seaweed - have seriously changed my life.

3. Taken up weightlifting. I always worked out with weights, but I've added pounds to what I used to lift to compensate for disappearing muscle. I WILL get up on those skis next summer.

4. Given up sugar. It was an easy way to modify my diet. Sugar is a serious addiction, but when you replace it with fresh fruit and agave, it's not so bad. Oh, all right - Halloween sucked. Ok? Ok. And I'm not looking forward to Christmas Cookie season. Goodbye for ever, homemade pizzelles.

Buh Bye.

5. Doubled my workout time. I do work while I'm on the treadmill, so it doesn't eat into my productivity.

6. Started eating a lot more raw greens. A LOT more. And I don't drown them in processed dressing, either. Goodbye, Ranch and Blue Cheese. (PS - Olive Oil makers, if you put EVOO in little takeaway packets like ketchup, that would really come in handy. Just saying.)

7. Eyed the frozen mini hotdogs and tacos wistfully as I pass them by with my cart. Edamame is a somewhat / not really / ok they're good but they're not mini hot dogs, now are they sort of substitute.

8. Replaced my large, frozen drink cocktails with ultra Lite beer, white wine, Skinny girl margaritas (love them) and, at times, green tea. Cut down on all of the above (except the tea) to one or two a weekend. Yes, this has been a very important point for me. 

While I'm grousing and carrying on, I must point out that age has brought some very good things into my life:

1. A fantastic family

2. Friends who are settled in their own lives, and we can all be settled together

3. No more of those exhausting dating issues

4. My writing career

5. Peace with myself and my world in general.